I puked a lego.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
