I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm always down for nudity.
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