I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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