I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
