I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
