This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
