well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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