mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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