sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
