a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
