I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
