If that was your dad, he is hot
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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