I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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