return my video game
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
