Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
