If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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