we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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