My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize