Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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