literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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