I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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