im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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