dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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