Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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