my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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