Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize