My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
