I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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