theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
