one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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