Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
