ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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