just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pants are for mortals
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
