i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
