and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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