i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
