this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
