Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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