no, he came in my armpit
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
