dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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