Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
