I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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