I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
