So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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