ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
