Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
