im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish you could order shots online.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
