My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
