Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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