Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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