college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize