good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
