I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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