why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
