so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
