I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
