and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
