I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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