Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
