i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
