I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize