Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I know her cup size but not her name....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
