I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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