I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
