Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
