Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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